Three nuns were talking. The first nun says, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

"gungy"
Carmel, IN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.

"Ms. Whack," he says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat."

Patti furrows her brow and asks, "Well, how much do you want
to borrow?"

"$30,000," the frog says.

The teller writes this down, then asks his name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger."

"Really?" she asks, eyebrow raised.

"Yes," he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. "And I want to use this as collateral."

"Ummm, okay," Patti says, accepting the elephant. "I'll have to ask the owner about this."

"That's fine," he says. "He'll vouch for me."

Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this" — she holds up the tiny pink elephant — "as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?"

The owner says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

"sky1999"
Fort Belvoir, VA

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

"comicscene"
Haverhill, MA

One summer day, Mark and Tony decide to try bungee-jumping.

After a full day of bungee-fun, Mark says, "You know, Tony, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

"You're right," Tony says.

So Mark and Tony pool their money and buy everything they'll need — a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They drive from San Diego to Mexico and set up their equipment on the edge of a cliff. While they construct the tower, a crowd assembles at the bottom of the cliff, to watch.

Hours later, Mark and Tony finish. Mark climbs the tower, straps himself in, and jumps.

When he bounces back up, he's got a few cuts and bruises. Tony tries to catch him, but Mark spirals back down. When he bounces up the next time, he's bruised and bleeding. Again, Tony reaches for his friend, and again, he misses.

When Mark comes back up a third time, he's brutally beaten, almost unconscious. Luckily, Tony catches him and drags him onto the platform.

"What happened?" Tony says, horrified. "Was the cord too long?"

Mark says, "No, the cord was fine. But what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

"maryan"
Sunrise, FL

Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.

After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.

Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ...

When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.

"Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?"

Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass.

The old man thanked her, then left.

"Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route."

With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.

"Hi," the blond jogger said.

"Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked.

Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said.

"Thanks," they said, then jogged off.

Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME" on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.

A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.

Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?"

To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's 8:27."

"MsKitty134"
Naples, FL

Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, "Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're ready to collapse."

He sighs and says, "After the game, Flo."

Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. "Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks."

He sighs and says, "Darn it, Flo, I'm a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it."

Flo counters: "Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won't shut."

Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, "You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?"

She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. "I need to cool down," he says. "I'm going out."

Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.

He finds his wife and says, "Honey, how'd you fix all this stuff?"

She smiles and says, "After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.

Jerry nodded, appreciatively. "What kind of cake did you bake?"

Flo's smile widened. "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

"Stacey_18"
Fowlerville, MI

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place.

When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.

Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"

"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

"ImUglyTo"
Penetang, Ontario

The following was actually taken from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls.

How to be a good wife:

• Have dinner ready. Most men are hungry when they come home; the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. His boring day may need a lift.
• Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces, and comb their hair. They are treasures. He would like to see them as such.
• Never complain. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Prepare a drink for him. Arrange his pillow. Offer to remove his shoes.
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
• The Goal. Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

"puss_in_boots"
New York, NY

Julie asked her boyfriend Todd to have dinner with her family — a special event, since this would be the first time she'd ever brought a boyfriend home to break bread with her parents.

Virtuous Julie tells Todd that after dinner she'd like to do something else for the first time, too.

Ecstatic Todd rushes to the pharmacy to buy condoms. A virgin himself, Todd is confused by the different brands and choices. But believing in safe sex, and proud of his good fortune, he asks the pharmacist for help.

The pharmacist tells Todd everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, he asks Todd how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack.

Todd insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.

That night, Todd shows up at Julie's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. She takes Todd to the dinner table, where her parents are already seated.

Todd sits quickly and, with head bowed, offers to say grace. A minute passes and Todd is still deep in prayer, head down. Five minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, Julie leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious."

Todd whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

"mem16"
Macomb, MI

Q:: What did the fish say when it swam into the cement wall?
A:: DAM!

"mzdonna1"
Farmington, IL

The face of a married woman was burned terribly in an accident. Unfortunately, doctors could not graft skin from her body because she was too thin. So her husband volunteered to donate skin for the operation.

Upon examining the husband, the doctors concluded the only skin suitable for the procedure needed to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed to tell no one where the skin came from, and requested the doctors honor their secret. The doctors agreed.

After the surgery, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.

One day, the wife was overcome with emotion at her husband's sacrifice. "Dear, I just want to thank you again," she said, "for everything. I just wish there was a way I could repay you."

"Please don't worry about it, dear," he said. "I get all the thanks I need whenever I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

"asifmr"
Lewisville, TX

Q:: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A:: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

"andiedunn"
St. Paul, MN

A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Oh! I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez. All I can smell is molasses."

"alkaseltzer13"

Q:: What do you do with a no-legged dog?
A:: Take it for a drag.

Q:: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A:: Right where you left it.

"allie48"
Beverly Hills, CA

Four children's books you probably won't find at your local bookstore:

"You Are Different & That's Bad"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers & Get Shot Dead"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"mikeanto"
Watertown, MA

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.

"That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms."

"grammyline"
Yorba Linda, CA

Q:: What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
A:: Milk & Quackers!

"TICTACTOE1"
Milwaukee, WI

A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. He notes the abandoned piano in the corner and remarks on it. The bartender serves the drink, then explains how his pianist had just quit. The man says, "I can fix that." He opens his jacket and out jumps a twelve inch pianist.

"Where the hell did you find him?" the bartender asks.

"There's a gypsy in the alley that will grant you one wish ..." the man replies.

"I'll be right back," the bartender says.

He returns a few minutes later, followed by many, many ducks.

"Did you get your wish?" the man asks.

"No," the bartender grumbles. "That gypsy must be hard of hearing. I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No kidding," the man said. "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

"donna407"
Panama City, FL